Jee Aayaan Noo!

Goomba: I'm-a gonna make you'se ma biatch Mario!
Mario: I don't think so, suckah! I'm-a gonna step on yo fuckin head!

[Stop Looking kids, this video game is violent from this point on.]

I was talking to someone about a website he thought he should put up, and was obsessed with a big flash intro that would say welcom in as many different languages as he could collect fonts for. No, seriously. This is the fault of all those websites making a huge deal out of welcoming their visitors. Who the hell cares whether or not the page they're presently viewing has "welcome" splattered across it in big, bolded letters? I don't go to a site and see that "Welcome" is not written on it, and think, "This is unacceptable, I must screw these people over by getting out of this place", and then I leave. I don't do that. And I like to think you don't either. Why is Welcome such a big deal, then?

Anothr example of unfairness prevalent in our society is computer hardware. You go to a small insignificant, dingy shop in Nehru Place, the total area of which might not more than your bathroom, and ask the runty, sweaty, working boy there, and he'll tell you all that you need to know about your hardware purchase, right down to the bus speed differences between you motherboard and your processor, or even number of pins in it. I shit you not. And you walk in to a snazzy showroom, big enough to house the complete cast of Return of the King, including the CGI ones, and a tie toting moron with a head full of pudding, or some similar substance with the consistency of poop, is going to tell you absolutely nothing you want to know. There was a time I went to a Compaq showroom, and the guy there could only tell me that it was "Pee-Four".Seriously, I kept asking him different questions, and he kept telling me, 'Uh, Sir its a P-IV". I just know some people who'd still rather deal with this shit than build their computer, the love of their life, with their bare hands. Sweat and Blood is the only way people. Maybe they're all morons. Of course they are. They're people.

Everybody, including our naked gold uncle Oscar have told you this a lot of times, but I'm going to say it again. Return of the King is cool. In fact, I think you should stop reading this silly post and go to your local cinema to watch it right away. Go. Now.

*drops his pants and pulls a bottle of beer out of nowhere. magic!*

Oh crap! You're still here!

So let me tell you something about the Lord of the Rings. It owns me. No, really. My body is at its disposal - I'm pretty sure that if at the end of trilogy there was some small text that read "Now you must kill yourself in service of the endless fucking amazingness of these movies", I would do it. Fellowship of the Ring was awesome and The Two Towers one of the best Goddamn movie-going experience I've ever had. I didn't like Return of the King as much as I'd liked the earlier ones, but I've still watched it SIX times. The sad part is I'm not kidding. I already have the original discs of first two, and I'm goin to get the third one and watch all of them in a continous loop until they're coming out of my ears.

They've even made a few not so illustrious, but still enjoyable games on the movies too. You could play as all characters of the Fellowship in turns, but the most fun admittedly would have been the trio of Gimli, Legolas, and Aragorn. Now, for me, you can just make a game with Gimli, and have more fun than 12 monkeys in 6 barrels. Legolas is a badass, true, and Aragorn may be THE man, but Gimli? Gimli is the fucking Uber-Dwarf from HELL. I don't know why you would want to play as anyone else. Pity he got short changed in the movies.

Now... where did I put those pants?

posted by sam | 3/03/2004 10:34:00 AM

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